I don't pretend to know what's really going on.

In many ways, I don't want to know what's going on.

Then I wouldn't be me.  

And if I weren't me, life would suck.  

I don't even know why I'm writing this

I'm not particularly bored

I'm not feeling a particular emotion

I don't want any particular thing

I just...wanted to write.

That's a good enough reason, right?

Well, to me it is.

And that's all that matters.

Change

I'm glad that things have changed the way that they have. 

I'm still me, but then again, not really.  

I still get jealous.  I still cry.

I still hug.  I still love.

But it feels so different.  Not the kind of different that used to scare me a month ago.  

This different is something that can be embraced.  Something that I can cling on to.  

Something with hope.  

No one really gives hope credit.  But we really do need it.  And that's what I have now.

Just hope.  

It's a beautiful thing, you know? 

Welcome back, Rachel :)

...why even wake up anymore...

The most pain I've ever felt is knowing that someone out there wants to be with you and loves you for who are...and you can't spend every waking moment with them...

That void inside gets bigger and bigger...you can try to fill it with activities or homework or friendship...but only they can fill the hole that's gaping inside your chest...

You don't remember how to breathe anymore...is it in and then out and then in...or in and then in and then back out again...your walls are spinning out of control...the very foundation of the world is crumbling away from the soles of your feet

The useless noise is getting louder and louder and there's nothing you can do to make it stop...you can scream and cry and try to destroy everything in your path...there's only one cure and he's not here...not anywhere...not with you

You ask "why me?"...but there's no answer except that you've fallen in love with someone who lives thousands of miles away...

do long distance relationships work? yes...

Is it painful? there's no other word that can describe it...you can't even imagine...

and you'll wake up tomorrow and realize that you have to live through another day without their arms wrapped around you

?

You know...I think you're beautiful

All of you are

I think I am too

For the first time in my life

I feel compelled to just break away from myself and my skin

and just float away for a while...

"But daddy, I love him!!" moment :D

I can't even come up with words to express how I feel about him
love? no...it's a word used too much...
obsession? well, yes but that seems creepy,don't you think?

that's just it...there are no words...



he's so perfect and so wonderful that who he is and what he does speaks a language of its own...a language that we can only understand and communicate with each other...it flows perfectly together like vines...never faltering, never ceasing...always growing in love more and more every day



so I can't explain it...because each language is different with each relationship...
at this rate, our language will be the only language I know and understand...



emotional nirvana.

What goes through my mind at work and school?

You know that feeling?

You sit, you wait, you daydream and reflect on your life

You go through your childhood filled with memories of bubbles and balloons

Through middle school where boys seemed to get weirder and weirder

The first day of freshman year where mom seems to cry never-ending tears

You reflect, you daydream, you wait and sit

You go through your future

What do I want to do? where will I be in five years?

Will there be fast cars? Will there finally be money?

You sit and sit and sit but you take one hopeful glance at the clock

Just knowing that an hour or two has passed...

It's barely been a minute...the hand is still in its original place

Hello obligations. Goodbye sleep.

Who ever said life was fair...

The computer screen stares blankly back at me
mocking me, egging me on
"Come on Rachel...what? Are you too afraid to talk about it?"
"Are you scared? What the hell is your problem?"
The voices of everyone and no one constantly nagging me
Please just let me go...Please...

But I digress...



I feel like I'm back to that time
to that place
"Rachel, we have to let him go...he wouldn't have wanted this"
my best friend...
gone forever...
grandpa...

And now, my love, my heart
my life
so sick...in so much pain
every day and every night, his pain is mine
Why not me? Why not me? Me...healthy
I want to suffer your pain...so you can live
You can live a better life than I ever will
but you can't...but you're strong enough
BUT YOU DON'T KNOW!!!! YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG YOU ARE!!!!
I only wish I could be as strong as you one day

Don't say to me you won't be okay
and I tell you that you will...but will you?
Am I lying to you? I never wanted to lie to you...
Because no one has and ever will love me as much as you do...
You're all I've got...please...stay strong for me...please

I crumble...melt away...bleed
you're pain is mine...I feel it all too...
I want all of you're pain
I want to make it mine
Now. Right Now.
Put it all on me...and please live your life for us
You deserve it all

Will we ever be free?
I'm so alone
You're alone too
Was this everything we've always wanted?
Was this everything that I've ever dreamed of?
But we have each other...and for now, maybe that's enough...