...why even wake up anymore...

The most pain I've ever felt is knowing that someone out there wants to be with you and loves you for who are...and you can't spend every waking moment with them...

That void inside gets bigger and bigger...you can try to fill it with activities or homework or friendship...but only they can fill the hole that's gaping inside your chest...

You don't remember how to breathe anymore...is it in and then out and then in...or in and then in and then back out again...your walls are spinning out of control...the very foundation of the world is crumbling away from the soles of your feet

The useless noise is getting louder and louder and there's nothing you can do to make it stop...you can scream and cry and try to destroy everything in your path...there's only one cure and he's not here...not anywhere...not with you

You ask "why me?"...but there's no answer except that you've fallen in love with someone who lives thousands of miles away...

do long distance relationships work? yes...

Is it painful? there's no other word that can describe it...you can't even imagine...

and you'll wake up tomorrow and realize that you have to live through another day without their arms wrapped around you

?

You know...I think you're beautiful

All of you are

I think I am too

For the first time in my life

I feel compelled to just break away from myself and my skin

and just float away for a while...

"But daddy, I love him!!" moment :D

I can't even come up with words to express how I feel about him
love? no...it's a word used too much...
obsession? well, yes but that seems creepy,don't you think?

that's just it...there are no words...



he's so perfect and so wonderful that who he is and what he does speaks a language of its own...a language that we can only understand and communicate with each other...it flows perfectly together like vines...never faltering, never ceasing...always growing in love more and more every day



so I can't explain it...because each language is different with each relationship...
at this rate, our language will be the only language I know and understand...



emotional nirvana.

What goes through my mind at work and school?

You know that feeling?

You sit, you wait, you daydream and reflect on your life

You go through your childhood filled with memories of bubbles and balloons

Through middle school where boys seemed to get weirder and weirder

The first day of freshman year where mom seems to cry never-ending tears

You reflect, you daydream, you wait and sit

You go through your future

What do I want to do? where will I be in five years?

Will there be fast cars? Will there finally be money?

You sit and sit and sit but you take one hopeful glance at the clock

Just knowing that an hour or two has passed...

It's barely been a minute...the hand is still in its original place

Hello obligations. Goodbye sleep.

Who ever said life was fair...

The computer screen stares blankly back at me
mocking me, egging me on
"Come on Rachel...what? Are you too afraid to talk about it?"
"Are you scared? What the hell is your problem?"
The voices of everyone and no one constantly nagging me
Please just let me go...Please...

But I digress...



I feel like I'm back to that time
to that place
"Rachel, we have to let him go...he wouldn't have wanted this"
my best friend...
gone forever...
grandpa...

And now, my love, my heart
my life
so sick...in so much pain
every day and every night, his pain is mine
Why not me? Why not me? Me...healthy
I want to suffer your pain...so you can live
You can live a better life than I ever will
but you can't...but you're strong enough
BUT YOU DON'T KNOW!!!! YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG YOU ARE!!!!
I only wish I could be as strong as you one day

Don't say to me you won't be okay
and I tell you that you will...but will you?
Am I lying to you? I never wanted to lie to you...
Because no one has and ever will love me as much as you do...
You're all I've got...please...stay strong for me...please

I crumble...melt away...bleed
you're pain is mine...I feel it all too...
I want all of you're pain
I want to make it mine
Now. Right Now.
Put it all on me...and please live your life for us
You deserve it all

Will we ever be free?
I'm so alone
You're alone too
Was this everything we've always wanted?
Was this everything that I've ever dreamed of?
But we have each other...and for now, maybe that's enough...

What is magic?

As I sit in my room, trying to write a letter, I think to myself
What is magic?
Is it that stuff you read in books? Is it similar to the fairy tales one hears in their youth?
Does it comprise of pixie dust and thinking wonderful thoughts?

Maybe magic consists of the little things...

Reading on the couch by the fire in a cozy blanket
Roasting marshmallows on your stove with your best friends
Looking at the sun setting lower and lower into the ocean
Realizing the beauty in the world

Opening the door for someone walking behind you
Donating money towards building schools in India
Picking flowers for your neighbor whose grandma just passed
Caring for others and not just for yourself

Holding hands with the one you love
Sharing a comfortable silence with someone you cherish
Being held in the secure hold of someone's arms
The love you share with someone else

Realizing that here is exactly where you want to be
Realizing that selflessness is the best feeling in the world
Realizing that a heart can hold this much love for another person
Magic is realizing the beauty of your dreams

Is it possible?

When something ultimately alters our lives and we say goodbye to one stage of life
and enter another knowing the wisdom of our last stage
are we truly ready? Is this what we need??


It is...but is it possible to get over what you had?
Is it possible to get over the memories your created and the laughs you shared?
Is it possible to learn so that you can go back and love even deeper than you did before?


Is it possible for you?
For you to wake up in the morning knowing that I need to be gone for while?
To keep trying to learn what you need just like me?
To keep smoking or playing the guitar like you love to do?

I'm trying to stay strong
I need you to stay strong too
I know you're hurting
I've cried for three hours

I'll never stop loving you
No matter what weather may come or people I may encounter
I'll always remember those horrible days that seemed to melt away with you
and I'll remember that horrible days will one day melt again
when I can make you the happiest I possible can
I have to start with me first

Is this possible?
There's only one thing that's not possible
The only thing that's not possible is that I will stop loving you




I will love you even after my heart stops beating...and I sure as hell know that that's possible.

Be happy for me

Everyday I come home or wake up from my sleep
and rush to my computer 'cause it's you I want to meet
and there you are, waiting for me, like you always do
In that solitary moment, I'm happy, but are you too?

I type to you "hello my love" and ask if you're okay
But there's always something wrong, you had a horrible day
You're sick and tired of homework, guitar lessons went wrong
You got really sick in the morning, you're day was really long

Do you know how much I love you? You're so special to me
Just smile once although the day was not very easy
Be happy just to know that you can still feel warm breeze
Be happy for yourself, be happy just for me

The next day I sign on, hoping that you're okay
you're there, of course waiting for me and I'm worried about your day
I type to you "hello baby" and ask "Is everything alright?"
you type to me "I missed you baby. I missed you all last night"

You don't need me, you'll never need me, to make your day bright
You're happiness comes from you and from your inner light
You're so strong and you're so great, but why can't you see
that no one else but you can ever make yourself happy

You're so wonderful and so brave but you hate yourself
I know you sometimes wish that you were really someone else
But I think you're amazing, spectacular and so sweet
I don't think you realize how happy you make me

If you can make me happy, than it can't be hard for you
to smile a few times a day, a smile that's honest and true
You've got everything you need, and no, you really don't need me
to love your life, and where you are, and just to be happy

Have you ever felt this happy

Have you ever felt this happy
when you realize that the people in your life
don't cause you so much strife
and when life seems like a maze
you're surrounded by their love and grace

Have you ever felt this happy
when every drink of water is like a heavenly sip
and that the water you're drinking is a gift
and that you're cleaning yourself from the inside out
getting rid of the fear, loathing, pain and self-doubt

Have you ever felt this happy
where every shade of blue seems clear
and bits of magic start to appear
and you can't help but smile, there's no such thing as a frown
because here, in this moment, life can't let you down

I see them

I see them
with their pretty hair and gorgeous eyes
pretty smiles that tell no lies
never asking for much but wishing for more
always knocking on that closed and locked door

Can't I share with them
the beauty that they posses and laughter they create
they do not lie and hide but are truthful and don't hesitate
with their perfect hair and their gorgeous eyes
being jealous of them isn't a surprise
when they contain all that beauty with no lies

I see them
with their charm and charisma
taking names and beating out the system
they have their wits about them and they always seem to care
throwing all caution to the wind never getting scared

Can't I share with them
the charm that they posses
that washes over me like a gentle wind that can caress
the fierceness of the heart yet the kindness of the soul
being jealous of them is something I can't control
when they make hearts so warm and fierce anger so cold

No, I can't share with them
the charisma they posses
the charm that they contain that has a gentle wind's caress
I can't share with them
the beauty that they have
causing others to smile and others to laugh
I'll always be scared of knocking on that door
because the fear of being rejected is something that would hurt more

Being jealous of them is something I feel
that makes my blood run cold and my warm heart turn to steel

Maybe it's not...

Maybe it's not what you think
But it's what I think
What I do, what I say
How I deal with people everyday
You're different from me
We don't think the same things
You're opinion is golden, but so is mine
You may label it one way, but my label is fine

Maybe it's not what you feel
But it's what I feel
You may feel this way, but I feel deeply
You may hide things, but I wear my heart on my sleeve
It doesn't make you right
and it doesn't make me wrong
You may sing one thing
But I sing my song

Maybe it's not how you say it
But it's how I say it
You might mean something, but I mean this
What you may say can hurt
But what I say brings me bliss
I may be contradicted, but it's what's on my mind
Whether you say this, or I say that, we're all one of a kind

Maybe it's not how you mean it
But it's how I mean it
You're meaning may be nicer
and I know mine is meaner
You may speak the truth, but I have implications
You accept everyone and I have invitations
But I can be nice, and you can be rude
Saying things you don't mean, while I sometimes speak the truth
You're meaning is different, but maybe I mean the same
But meanings can differ even though we play the same game

Maybe it's not what you think
But it's what I think
I don't write this because I'm always right
and you're always wrong
I write this because I'm entitled to feel how I feel
think what I think, and mean what I mean
But so are you
We're only human, and we're all different
I do what makes me happy, and I know you do too
Whatever we each may feel, it's always true

My first blog!

Well, hello there fellow bloggers!
My name is Rachel...and I guess the main reason for this is because of my friend Binny :)
Also, I'm really excited to let out a bit of steam on something other than paper.
Yeah...that's it for now
:p